HUMP DAY: On One-Night Stands

13 Jul

I know your Wednesdays have been excruciatingly boring for the past couple weeks – and maybe I should apologize. Sometimes life just kicks you in the ass and gives you a swirly in the high school bathroom (which is pretty terrible if you have long hair like mine.) But then a friend texted me a pic from his latest sexcapade and I realized: this will resurrect Hump Day.

If this isn’t the best note left after a one-night stand, I don’t know what is.  I want to shake this girl’s hand. Not only do you “borrow” clothes from the guy you just slept with, but you succinctly define the continued course of the relationship: “Sayonara”!  This is the thing I can’t figure out about casual dating. How do you/do you define the course of action?  It might be too hasty or unnecessary to blurt out, “I’m not looking for anything serious!” (they’ll be like “Woah, woah, woah. We just met. Who said I was looking for anything serious?”) – but you also don’t want to run the risk of them becoming emotionally dependent on you after they find out how great you are in the sack.

Also: “You drank my contacts” ?!?!

The other thing I love about this note is that it’s a refreshing change of pace from the gender dynamic that I’ve come to expect from my friends’ and my own experiences – the ladies usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to one-night stands and casual sex. Let me explain.

I recently read a post on Thought Catalogue titled The 5 Simple Rules to Having A One-Night Stand (apparently I’m into numbered sets of rules and steps lately) and there was a huge red flag: I knew without having to look at the byline that this was written by a dude. (Emphasis mine)

2. Spoon for a hot minute

Look, I don’t care if you’re made of stone, you need to experience a little tenderness after someone has seen your O face. This is the part where it gets confusing though, especially if you’ve just slept with a random. You pretend to be the couple who snuggles rather than the two people who happened to be wasted and fall into each other’s laps. “Oh, do we do this? Is this something that we do?” But it’s your first instinct to wrap your bodies together and get a little mushy so don’t fight it even if you can’t remember their name and, oh my god, what did you just do?! Hold me!

5. Text them

Okay, maybe not. This is hard because if you have no interest in sleeping with someone again, sending them a text could imply otherwise. At the same time, it could make that person so happy. Maybe they were thinking of ending it all after you left but then they got the text that said, “thx for last night’ and stepped away from the ledge. I think it all depends on how thoughtful of a person you are. If you really don’t give a shit about some stranger who gave you an orgasm, then I guess you don’t have to text them anything. Or if they were really crazy and you don’t want to give them an ounce of hope, you can have your Get Out Of Text Free card.

Typically, in the hetero world,  sexual intercourse is completed with orgasm – a male orgasm. And in a casual, one-night stand kind of situation (alcohol?) there might not be a ton of foreplay or other considerations involved, and maybe I’m an outsider here, but it takes a bit of effort to get a lady’s rocks off. I realize that part of the solution is empowering yourself to demand what you want in bed, or take matters into your own hands. But maybe it starts with education. Maybe rule #1 should be: Ensure maximum enjoyment for all parties – get consent – and make your partner come!

Better yet, let’s revolutionize sex education in general:

  1. Know Your Body (aka “stuff comes out” or  “people have pubic hair”)
  2. How to Get/Give Consent
  3. Safe Sex is Good Sex
  4. Orgasms for Everyone

What do you think? Am I totally off base? Is everybody having orgasmic one-night stands and I’m the only sad sap left in the dark?

This post brought to you by Tara, who once started the Facebook group “High Five for Clits” when Facebook groups still existed and were cool – which was probably in 2008.

One Response to “HUMP DAY: On One-Night Stands”


  1. UPDATE: PMS Milk Ads Get the Funny or Die Treatment…and I like it. « mislabeled - August 8, 2011

    […] I think they’re pretty spot on, especially with the cum shot thing. I’m sure that there are women out there who enjoy a good splooge in the face – but I am not one of them, and I’m appalled when I hear dudes talk about it. I feel like this is a side effect of our ever -influential porn industry, and the lack of good sex education. If the only information pubescent teens are getting is from free porn that they’re watching on the internet – they’re going to expect that sex includes hairless vaginas and ends with a facial. [See rule 1 of Tara's Tips for Revolutionary Sex Education] […]

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