Bon Iver: A (pretentious) album review

27 Jun

You know what I love more than pretentious music? Pretentious music reviews.

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been taking in the new Bon Iver record, Bon Iver, via NPR’s first listen stream and have really fallen in love. I could write my own record review, but why do that when hundreds of people have taken the verbose words straight out of my mouth?

Well actually, I would have probably just explained that it is a hauntingly good album that should be played straight though, on repeat. But other people’s thoughts are way more interesting. I bring you a compilation of the most amazingly pompous Bon Iver reviews (my personal faves are the underlined ones):

How do you follow up one of the best albums ever made? You don’t. You can’t.1 It’s brilliant, beautiful, intensely emotionally evoking, fascinating to listen to.2 Quietly epic, powerfully permeating, thoughtful paeans of hope rising from a bleak, desolate existential soundscape tundra. There’s a strange, subtle tug of undismissible joy and developing wisdom among the choral avant-folk/pop explorations.3

“Bon Iver” is a soft, pervasive album of deep, austere beauty in an encompassing, pastoral atmosphere–all guided by Justin Vernon’s hauntingly transcendent voice.4 Its magnificent. It has a subtle, elegiac quality and at no point is the album too self-aware to prevent it from a being an emotive marvel.5 Justin Vernon is brilliant. The music he makes and performs makes a person know how to feel. Every song in this new album is stunning, you listen to them and can’t help but get goosebumps from how beautiful they are.6

Mislabeled loves Justin because he’s vagina friendly and minored in women’s studies in college. And because we’re fancy, we plan on buying every piece of art that the album’s cover artist, Gregory Euclide, has ever done. Oh wait; you want more wistful descriptions of how compelling one person is? OK, you asked for it….

Each word pulls me in deeper.7 The music travels straight through my ears to my soul. It touches me and inspires me in ways that no many other things do.8 Justin has created a sonic landscape here, each song a town or city, and what a reward it is to explore and dwell in his land. Astonishingly brilliant.9 It and its fearless creator know precisely its purpose, if not the exact destination, and the effect is almost therapeutic. My guess is this won’t be Justin’s defining moment, but an astonishing indicator of momentous talent.10 This album is a work of heartbreaking splendid rhythmic beauty. Justin’s voice continues to ravage my heart in the heart of summer and the impenetrable depth of winter.11

With this album, my attention was drawn not for a moment, but for a lifetime. This is the album that sets in a new world. It opens your mind and soul to newer dreams and goals. It carries you on its soft, sweet melodies and brings you into that new world that you never knew was possible. With every note and honest lyric, this album will calm your worries heart and lift your tired head. This is what the world needs. This is what the world craves. This is HOME.12

No shit, these comments are straight from Amazon/iTunes, go check. So to wrap it all up for you with a bow, this is the “album of the CENTURY13” and FYI, it’s going to bring world peace and cure cancer all at once.

With these reviews, you would think Justin Vernon is the second coming of Jesus. Come to think of it, that beard IS pretty suspect….

See for yourself what the fuss is all about by watching his divine presence on The Colbert Report. Watch it. Love it. Cry during it. You may even need to change your pants after it. Because yes, everything Justin Vernon does “transcends this realm.”

This post brought to you by Maureen, who despite the pompous reviews loves Bon Iver and ostentatious conversations about anything.


One Response to “Bon Iver: A (pretentious) album review”

  1. kelcoh July 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    Hahahahaha – so good Maureen

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