OH YOU FANCY HUH? Graduation guide

13 May

Heyoh! Happy May times! What a great month this is. Everyone is masturbating, and graduating, and it is just a cool time to be a young person, no?

It’s also a cool time to be fancy. Of course, you can be fancy while masturbating, but I can’t talk about that right now. This is a family column, and by that I mean my mama reads this, and so there will be no talk of that, fancy or not.

Let’s see, that leaves us with… graduation! And graduation presents! Fancy gifts and treats for those poor schmucks who have just gone into thousands of dollars in debt to move back into their parents’ house.

No, I’m just kidding. It’s not that bad, I promise. I mean,  you might live in a basement still, but yeah, get far away from your parents. They’ll like you more, and be happier to send you money when you absolutely need to buy an expensive bourbon drink (or three!) on a Wednesday evening.

But this isn’t about you, graduate. This is about US, the fancy people who are going to buy you presents to make up for the debt/basement situation you’ve gotten yourself into.

So let’s get into it. The key to fancy gift-shopping for graduates is to buy them nothing they actually need. No toilet paper, or spice racks (yes, this is a necessity), or U.S. bonds, or anything like that. You’ve got to buy them senseless things that they can’t really use.

Like ridiculous sunglasses! These are totally useless, because now that grads are Dunzo Washington with college, the number of parties where you’ll need to shield yourself from embarrassing photos  just plummets. So sad. Maybe if you own these glasses post-graduation, you’ll be more inclined to get reckless more often (see a how-to here). Either way, these sunglasses are a great idea.

With those parties in such decline, male graduates may be left scratching their heads and  wondering “how will I get the ladies now that they aren’t in abundance everywhere?” The answer, my male friends, is to not wear Axe body spray. Seriously. Do not wear it. It does not smell sexy or nice or anything.

Instead, why not buy a man scent that is true dude? Or, more accurately, Dude No. 1, which smells fresh and woody and has the word dude in its title. If that’s not enough of a reason, the description aims to persuade us further with this reminder: “your man deserves the safest ingredients to scent his delicate face.” So yeah. Dudes, delicate faces, that’s all I’ve got.

For the ladies in your life, buy them this scarf. Just trust me. If you’re absolutely worried they won’t like it, buy this one instead. Or buy both ,and become their favorite person. You truly can’t go wrong.

If you’re shopping for a graduate who isn’t into fashion or man smells, go for the comical gift, like this high-larious map. Never again will they forget all the wonderful geographical/cultural lessons they picked up while sleeping in class with this excellent map, which we will forgive for the dated Borat reference because it is just so politically incorrect.

Last but not least, I must remind you of the incredible transformation our young American graduates are experiencing. They are leaving behind the title of penniless college student, and embracing the title of real person who owns a couple of pennies but not even those really because good lord! loans and good lord! credit card debt.

So give your penny-loaded friend a hand with this stylish penny carrier, which will remind us all that our culture is saturated with The Beatles and maybe it’s gone too far. Oh, and our pennies are worthless when it comes to finding love. Which is why you bought that Dude scent.

This post is brought to you by Rachel, who has long since graduated from college but will happily accept any and all of these gifts.

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